Double Strand White
July 28th, 2010
Wrote this today – Poem not my usual style, what does it say to you, what do you think? Worth working on?
Double Image
Strands of golden hair
In joyous abandon dance
Touched by gentle breeze
Blossoms fall,
Drifting snow petals
Cover silent form below.
Lonely figure stands.
In splintered moonlight
Drawn to the rocky edge
Silent echo
Dancing waves embrace
Dark waters far below.
The far horizons split
In rain kissed verdant glory
As rugged mountains rise.
Skeletal bones
A stark white glare
Red deserts far below.
Copyright Dec 2007
Is this any better? rewrite 1
Double Image
Strands of golden hair
In joyous abandon dance
Touched by gentle breeze
Blossoms fall,
Drifting snow petals
Cover silent form below.
Lonely figure stands.
In splintered moonlight
Heart shattered as the ledge
Silent echo
Dancing waves embrace
Bloodied shadow far below.
The far horizons split
In rain kissed verdant glory
Where knife edged mountains meet.
Windswept bones
Glow like a stark white apparition
On the deserts, far below.
Copyright 2007
It’s got a nice, willowy overall tone; dreamy and surreal and otherworldly. I understand what you’re saying, how you start with the beautiful and end with the lonely and split-apart.
The images are not doing much for me. Things like “rocky edge”, “dark waters”, “rugged mountains”, “skeletal bones” are clichéd. (the last one’s redundant as well; what are bones supposed to be but skeletal?) All of the images are just adjective-noun, adjective-noun. Instead of telling us the mountains are rugged, work on showing us (through metaphor and simile – i.e. find a way to say the mountains are rugged without actually saying it).
example, so you can see what I’m getting at:
“the mountains rise sloppily, like knives sharpening their blades against the sky”
I love the feel; it just reads more like a story than a poem because of the lack of metaphor, and the way things are blatantly stated. Definitely worth working on.
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Strand $15.9 Strand |