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Critique on this poem/lyrics?

Hey everyone!
So I wrote this poem thing the other day and would like you to critique it. I’m not sure I like it, so please be brutal

Like black lace
Like spring time thunder
A terrible joy
An awful wonder

A rose with thorns
A jaded pearl
Dark black smoke
Or a beautiful curl

Sharp as a dagger
Sweet as Cupid’s kiss
As hard as this is
It’s perfect bliss

It was actually inspired by someone on Y!A, but I won’t say who All opinions are welcomed!
Thanks!

It’s a series of antithesis that would probably do well with music. The last two lines are okay…I was looking for “as hard as life, a perfect kiss” or something along those lines…I wasn’t expecting “bliss”, but without a title it could be talking about “you”, or “a relationship”, or “life”, etc., so the final line is unsupported and a little vague. The meter is short, but if used as lyrics would be fine. It has a catchy beat, but is a little short…a chorus would help it as a song, and perhaps add the additional information lacking in these three stanzas. I like the images, and set to the right music, would probably do just fine.

…keep writing

JADE/JAEVON Beautiful In My Eyes ♥

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